upper bend campground site #6 is where i've been making my home for about a week now. it's 8 miles northeast of HWY191 which takes you to Moab if you go south and Arches if you go north. each is about 2 miles from the intersection. i've made the drive to each of these places several times now and i've noticed that a few miles west from here there is a bike lane that runs along the banks of the colorado river.
biking is hugely popular out here. some of it "cycling" but the majority of it is mountain biking. particularly mountain biking on slickrock. the bike i brought with me falls into neither category. i have a frankenstein looking single speed/fixed gear that absolutely does not belong out here. still though, i was very sore from the previous days' hiking and thought a nice bike ride would be a good way to get some activity into my day and allow me to explore the very cool city of Moab. i put on my most ironic t-shirt, twirled my mustache, hopped on my hipster-cycle, and set out in the afternoon with the intention of spending a few hours in the city and then returning to my site for dinner before dusk. unfortunately i was unable to explore the city at all. this is because crazy people apparently love talking to me.
i encountered 3 individuals that took up all of the time i had set aside for biking around town. as i met them they increased in craziness and thankfully decreased in time spent conversing. the last one was really only a minute or two but it was the nail in the coffin to send me back to my campsite.
the first man was Albert. i met Albert while taking a photograph of the colorado river from the middle of a rust covered walking bridge that spans across it parallel to HWY 191. he walked up to me and said "they sure need to paint this here bridge" Me: "yeah they do, but it looks like they're a little late getting to it" Albert: "ya know i was in the service..." ok, well this clearly wasn't going to be a short conversation but i was game. the fact is that old people like to talk and they often talk about all kinds of stuff no one else cares about, but those of us who live long enough will eventually be old and do the same thing. so if there is time to spare i figure i should probably bend an ear. plus anyone whose that old has surely done something in their life at one point or another that would earn tremendous respect from me, so i kinda owe it to them.
i spoke/listened to Albert for over an hour and a half while standing on that bridge, camera in hand, waiting to take a picture. Albert enlightened me on a variety of subjects ranging from murdering people to wooing the opposite sex. I would only call Albert crazy because he sincerely believed every word he said to me. here is a list of Albert's claims in three different categories.
almost certainly true:
-Albert turned 74 just 3 days ago
-Albert served in Vietnam
-Albert does not approve of drinking or drug use because it dulls the mind
-Albert has been shot on more than one occasion
-Albert has no collarbone on his left side thanks to charlie - this is certainly true, he showed me and his left calf muscle is missing a chunk like someone took a cookie cutter to it
-Albert could beat me up with very little trouble and walk away from the fight completely unscathed
-Albert trains people in self defense - he showed me this several times with lines like "give me your arm and i'll show you how to break it at the elbow if you're ever in a knife fight"
-Albert believes "this country is going to hell"
possibly true:
-Albert has numerous girlfriends spread throughout the southwest, the youngest being 23 the oldest 46
-Albert trained with "the red devils" and was in the special forces
-Albert fought in Laos and Cambodia even though the US was never technically there
-Albert does not get speeding tickets because he's a war hero
-Albert's nickname is Android because... i don't know, he never really finished that thought
-Albert has four last names because he's italian, spanish, mayan, and mexican.
-Albert executed 464 missions during the Vietnam war
-the CIA killed Kennedy because he wouldn't go to war in Vietnam
-If you stab a man with an ice-pick at the base of the skull, he can't scream when he dies
almost certainly BS:
-Albert was one of the very first people sent into Vietnam and spent a decade there but never received dogtags because his actions were not sanctioned by the US government
-Albert was a squad leader for a group who would sneak into enemy camps and assassinate everyone while they slept
-Albert's squad of 60 people would, under cover of darkness, kill a minimum of 10 people each with every mission they embarked on, when they were done their arms looked like they were dipped in red paint (this number would make Albert's squad responsible for about 1/4 of Vietcong deaths)
-Albert spent his post army years as a bodyguard for various unnamed senators
-Albert, a few years ago, beat up the master at arms of the local national guard and the soldier told him "you are the only man i fear"
-a doctor told Albert "if i killed you i wouldn't do it in the same room as you because your body's instincts would react in death and kill me"
-young girls find 74 year old men very attractive
when i finally excused myself i went to the Moab visitor center to check my email. within a minute of sitting down i was approached by Dan the meat delivery guy. i could tell Dan was a mormon immediately. the same way if i was in the south i'd think he was an evangelical or if i was in hollywood i'd peg him for a scientologist. there are certain people who have a glazed over look of fanaticism in their eyes. whatever worldview they hold doesn't fit with reality and so instead of adjusting their worldview, they create their own reality. Dan spoke to me for about 30 minutes. here are a list of Dan's claims:
-Dan delivers meat all over Utah
-Dan has lived in Utah his whole life
-Dan has a friend who buys horses for $500, trains them to be thoroughbred race horses and sells them on the east coast for $80,000, and apparently you can train a horse to be a different breed?
-Dan has a friend who worked for the CIA in central america for 6 years
-Dan's friend flew 500 pounds of cocaine into the US on a weekly basis, for the CIA
-the CIA gives out cocaine to children to make them "not see the world around them"
-the CIA killed Kennedy because he was trying to stop their creation of a secret global government
-the CIA kills everyone who knows this information that Dan has now told me. thanks Dan.
-Obama has secretly promised all young people a free cell phone if they vote for him and that is how he won the election
-everything is controlled by the Illuminati
that's right. within 1 hour of each other two strangers came up and told me how and why Kennedy was killed.
the last crazy person was a lady in the self-checkout line at the grocery store. she was having a heated argument with the machine that accepts bills. apparently the machine would not take one of her dollars because it was creased. she continued frustratingly trying to reason with it by saying "folded bills taste the same as other bills, eat it. it tastes good, try it." she then requested my help in trying to convince the machine. lady: "you try! tell it to eat it!" me:"um... please eat the bill" eventually it took it and she was finished with all transactions but stayed there still talking to the machine about the different tastes of bills. i put my groceries in my bag and decided that today was not a good day for me to discover Moab.
YES!!! Now this is the best yet.
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